I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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