I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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