im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
