I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
