I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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