My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
