Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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