dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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