the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
