her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
