dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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