Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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