whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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