I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
