How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
