So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
