If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
