so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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