Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize