oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
