Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
