sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
