So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
