my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
