I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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