I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
