I'm eating all of the evidence.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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