Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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