hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
