I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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