Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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