I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
In America we eat man semen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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