You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
