I just pynch a tree in the face
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
