my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
