I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
