I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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