I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
