For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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