He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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