No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
