Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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