Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
