Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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