Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
