You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
its liver damage thursday
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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