don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
