if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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