It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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