and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
