He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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