Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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