Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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