he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
