she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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