She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
