If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
