Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
