Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
