Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
