someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
