I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
