You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
