tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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