Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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