i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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