Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
