We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize