he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You're like the curious george of whores
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
