This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
