her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
